Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

Parade Magazine is the little magazine that is included with the newspaper on Sunday. To be honest I hate this magazine. I hate it to my core. It is just garbage… Just pointless rubble, rubbish, trash, and a total waste of paper, however the worst part about it is the “Personality Parade” basically a question and answer segment where readers across the nation send in their questions. Very rarely is a quality question asked. It drives me nuts every time I read it.

When I first started this blog I took the time out to answer the actual questions that the people sent in to Parade as a joke. I am bringing this concept back and doing it every week…

Q. I hear that Harrison Ford will do a film about Lincoln’s assassination. Is he playing John Wilkes Booth
-Matt Brown, Orange, N.J.

First of all is that a statement or a question? Next, www.imdb.com, it is a simple tool on the web that you can use to figure out what he has coming up. And the answer is no you lazy, non internet using, moron, did you even try to find the answer for yourself? I hate you Matt Brown.

Q. Steven Spielberg and other celebs have been taking their stalkers to court. Can’t they discourage stalking by hiring security?
-Susan Miller, Chicago, Ill.

Well Susan if it was that easy wouldn’t they have already done it? Use some logic… Seriously think it out. Take a second… I know common sense is overrated. Plus do you really think that someone that is mentally deranged is going to be stopped by seeing that they have personal security? You think some pervert that wants to knit a sweater using Pam Anderson’s pubic hair is going to all of a sudden give up when he sees that she has a body guard. The guys entire basement is pictures of her, he has 17 scrap books of every article ever written about her, yet he sees one guy with an earpiece in his ear and he is just going to turn around and walk away….

I am taking all stamps out of your house and any writing utensils.

Q. Country star Chris Cagle and his Hooters girlfriend were expecting a while back. Was it a boy or a girl?
-Connie Hahn, Allentown, Pa.

I have no idea who Chris Cagle is but let me just come out and say if I ever became famous the last chick I would be nailing is a former Hooters Waitress. I mean the three times I have been to Hooters I was always stuck with the ugly waitress, and the other ones that were there weren’t all that good. Usually I would get the waitress with the fat roll hanging out of their hooters shirt. They were trying to make up for it with their gigantic rack. But I wasn’t buying into it. I mean it’s all about being able to wear certain things, I would not go to the beach in a g-string because it would not be appealing, and some girls should not be Hooters waitresses.

Second… Chris this is the order… Playmate, Penthouse model, aspiring model, aspiring actress, Hustler centerfold, in that hierarchy there is no Hooters waitress. Way to piss away whatever fame you have… This is reason number 47 why I have no respect for country music performers.

Oh and Connie, I did this little piece of research for you. Here is the statement he released about the birth of… well I guess I can’t call it his child.

“As many of you are aware, I had been anxiously awaiting the addition of a new baby to my life,” the statement reads. “The baby has been born, and both mother and child are in good health.

“Since the birth, however, we have discovered that biologically the child is not mine.”

The singer continues: “As excited as I was about becoming a new father, my disappointment now is equally strong. Out of respect for all that are involved, please allow this situation to remain private and know that I will not be commenting further on this very personal matter.”

Chris you just got fucked over by a Hooters waitress… Johnny the fry cook knocked her up… Good going… Well I guess it is just going to feed the flame for more shitty country songs…

Q. My kids adore Dylan and Cole Sprouse, stars of Disney’s The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. How long have they been acting?
-W. Jacobsen, Milwaukee, Wis.

……….. who………… again www.imdb.com you lazy bitch

Q. Kathie Lee Gifford left her gig with Regis Philbin in 2000. Why did she return to TV on The Insider?
-B. Matthews, Glendale, Calif.

So B. Matthews… whomever you are why do you think she returned to TV? Logically speaking do you think it was because she didn’t want to hang around the house and raise her kid? Or maybe she felt that the world was not as good as a place without her on TV? Maybe it is a government conspiracy to dumb us all down? It’s probably much simpler then this….

It is a rather simple issue… Frank Gifford didn’t make shit as a football player, no longer announces, she hasn’t worked since 2000 on tv… Yeah she has done a couple of crappy cds but let’s be honest do you think that is paying the plastic surgery bills? I think not…

Q. I was appalled when Iran’s president said that Israel should be wiped off the map. What was Washington’s response?
-Harry Stein, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

I won’t make the obvious joke… I really won’t but Harry… Iran wants Israel wiped off the map? Is that something that just became news? Have you paid attention to mid east politics for um I don’t know the last 40 years? Has the US not made our policy clear regarding our policy and backing of Israel?

Harry how about instead of reading the parade pullout in your newspaper you read the actual newspaper?

Q. Is Teresa Brewer, my favorite singer from the ’50s, still performing?
-Larry Brescia, Silver Spring, Md.

This is the typical where are they now question… I don’t care about this person… Neither does rest of the united states. Look it up on google and leave us alone. I really don’t have anything funny to write here.

Q. Is it true that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey had marriage counseling before their split – and that the counselor was Jessica’s father, Joe?
-Shawn Vriniak, Chicago, Ill.

Like clockwork there is a question about a pop star in every issue. I know Jessica’s dad is her manager, he is a pastor or something as wll, and is deeply involved in their business. But seriously I don’t see Nick being the type of guy to sit down and talk to her father about whatever issues they are having. It’s not like her dad is an impartial person… I could see how this would have gone down.

Joe: So Nick, you are saying that Jessica would not do what?
Nick: (mumbling) al…
Joe: I didn’t hear what you said Nick. You need to be honest here if this is going to work!
Nick: ANAL.. she wouldn’t do ANAL!!!!!
Joe: …. I am going to go hang myself now.