A Nub For New Years
It’s that time of year where gyms get over crowded because there is a rush to join, Crispy Cream sees a decline in sales, the sales of the patch go up, and there is a sharp decline in goat fucking in West Virginia. Why do all these trends happen in the month of January? Because it’s New Years Resolution time, where everyone steps up and decides to make changes in their lives. Like always though by Valentines Day the gym has died down, sales at Crispy Cream have gone up, sales of the patch will have decreased, and goat fucking in West Virginia will be back at an all time high.
New Years resolutions are made by people that really don’t want to keep them. How many times have people said that they wanted to quit smoking for the new years and then like 5 weeks later they break down? Of course it is explained with an excuse like, I was really stressed or I went drinking and I have to smoke when I drink, it’s always something lame like that. Now I am not saying I am better than anyone because I never follow through on mine, so that is why I don’t even bother making them. Whether it is to be more organized or eat better or anything like those I just break down eventually.
But I am still besieged with the question, what is your New Years Resolution? I see the ads, the self help bullshit on the morning talk shows, and I have to hear people talk about it over and over and over again. When everyone pretty knows much knows that it is an utter and complete waste of time.
So I am going to propose a plan, let’s call it a “Nub for New Years”.
Since we live in a culture of fear we might as well take it up a notch. A Nub for New Years is basically this. If you make a resolution you have to stick to it or you lose a finger, well the top part of a finger. Think about the impact that this would have. I mean if you make a New Years Resolution you bet your ass that you will be sticking to it. Let’s say you plan on losing 15 pounds. You don’t think your ass would be on a bike or in the gym everyday with the thought of losing the finger? When you are at the salad bar you know you would be putting on the fat free dressing. Nobody wants to lose a digit.
Not only does this enforce the resolution you make. It also forces you to pick a realistic resolution. There is nothing worse then hearing people make totally unrealistic New Years Resolutions. It’s nice to have goals and dreams but you need to have a realistic outlook. No more, I am going to be nice to everyone or I am going to run in a marathon even though I have never run more than a lap around a track.
Well I know this revolutionary idea will be thought of as mean or cruel. People will denounce it for being reactionary or maybe over the top. But that will be all the self help gurus and daytime talk show hosts pissing themselves because they have never thought up anything like this. Screw Dr. Phil, what does he know? It’s revolutionary and it works, you know the people over at Bally’s are going to love this, although Big Tobacco might send someone after me.
So when one of your friends tells you, “Oh I am going to stop eating McDonalds for my new years resolution” ask them are they willing to lose a nub for it?
