King Kong, Brad, and Angelina

Recently when reading an article about the new “King Kong” I came across some references about the symbolism of the movie. I have read a few different theories on the symbolism, one said that it represents the African American culture getting destroyed and held down by white America. Another said that it is symbolic of modern age destroying old time America… that is all hogwash or poppycock depending on what old time term you prefer. The message that people should be taking from “King Kong” is way simpler then that.

(Before I reveal what the message is, does anyone else think that intellectuals have taken symbolism a little far? Every book I ever read in school had to be broken down for symbolism; Great Gatsby, Wuthering Heights, and even my calculus book. Why can’t we assume that people wrote these novels for the story instead of it being a social commentary? And how come no novels over the last twenty years are broken down for symbolism, why is it always people that have died long ago? It’s because we can’t ask them if our English teachers are full of shit.)

Okay sorry about that rant, back on track here. The main message of “King Kong” is hot chicks make men do stupid things.

It is that simple. Why does he get captured? Chasing after a hot chick. Why does he get killed? Chasing after a hot chick, he wanted to get her alone and he cornered himself in. Don’t throw the theory that he was in love or any of that shit.

Hot chicks make men do really dumb things. It has happened throughout history; I mean watch Troy… that was a historically accurate movie.

Example 1: John Hinkley shoots Ronald Reagan in order to win over Jodie Foster, who at one point was hot before she became a frigid lesbian. Yeah I know he was crazy whatever, I am sure she communicated to him in a secret language to do it through one of her movies.

Example 2: The Beatles began to fall apart because of Yoko Ono… wait she wasn’t hot ignore that.

Example 3: Every guy that is on “G-string Divas” on HBO. This is the perfect show to watch women totally screw with guys and take their money then listen to the psychology of it afterwards. “Well he is one of my regulars he gets the champagne court every time he comes in now (which is like 300 and hour), I don’t even dance for him. We just talk about his relationship with his girlfriend, I am like his shrink.” No you are not his shrink, you are a hot chick that totally was worn this guy down to the point where he will just fork over money to get you alone. You could go back there and make him do your taxes and he would do it, because you are a hot girl and he is a horny guy.

Example 4: Brad Pitt dumps everyone’s homecoming queen Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie and turns him into a pussy whipped shell of his former self.

(This is called a transition, I think I did it rather smoothly I might add.)

I have never really checked in with my whole feeling about this situation because I don’t like to talk about stuff that is so divisive. Politics, religion, and the whole saga between these two have been off limits because I don’t want to stir too much shit. Well today, it is time I tackle this issue that has divided not only our nation but the world, except for countries that don’t have entertainment shows, newspapers, or the internet but we all know they don’t count.

First let’s tackle the whole name combination thing. It started with Bennifer and now has become the way to name “super couples”. Stop it… It is dumb and fucking annoying. It was cute with Bennifer, it was original and funny but now it is out of control. When I hear “Tomkat” or whatever new one that sprouts up it makes me want to track down the staff of Entertainment Tonight and take them out ninja style.

Why is this thing so divisive? People are split into the two different camps the Jennifer Aniston side and the Angelina Jolie side… Here is the breakdown of who goes where:

Jennifer Aniston:
People that believe in family values
Girls that are into relationships
Men that like constantly erect nipples
People that are into the girl next door
Christian right
All the idiots that think “Friends” was one of the funniest shows ever

Angelina Jolie:
Any girl with any hint of bisexuality (because when you read those myspace polls like 90f all girls when asked what women they would sleep with it is always her)
Any man that has visited a strip club ever
Any man that doesn’t have an obsession with erect nipples
Freaks
People way into bondage
Anyone with a sex drive

Jennifer Aniston is like America’s homecoming queen, and she has been ever since she did that one Rolling Stone article. She’s hot, semi wholesome, and she was on the most white washed sitcom ever. They were like the perfect couple. I guess the drawback with her is that you would occasionally have to hang out with Courtney Cox and David Arquette, which for me would be enough to make me want to call the whole thing off.

Then the psycho comes in. First I am going to give you one of my personal theories: Psycho girls are the best in bed, because you have no idea what they are going to do next. Angelina is a raging psycho. Don’t try and sell me on the fact that she does a lot for charity and adopts kids. It doesn’t matter… She married fucking Billy Bob Thorton, carried around his blood, and made out with her half brother at a movie premiere. She is psycho.

So Brad throws away the “perfect” marriage for a pure sex freak that then domesticates him and has him watching her kids, even possibly adopting them… Causing him to lose some of his cools points across the country, and it kind of turned him into a pussy. Brad isn’t the male in the relationship… He is the bitch. Instead of making the move that most guys would make and looking cool doing it he lost all cool points by coming off this way. Which could totally could make him lose male America which has respect for him after his work in “True Romance”, “Oceans 11″, and had us overlooking “Meet Joe Black”, “Legends of the Fall”, and “Thelma and Louise”.

You see the stupid things guys do for hot chicks.