Christmas Shopping is Like Hell on Earth

So I have like four blog ideas… I can’t write one of them now because it would be morally wrong, funny, but wrong…

Instead you are getting tales of my third trip to Target ever.

All of my Christmas shopping was done for the most part by shopping over the internet, it’s the easy way to do things especially living out here. I know that the Christmas shopping season is busy but out here it is a whole new level of busy. Due to my dislike of people and large shopping venues the internet shopping experience is designed perfectly for me. Where else can you look at porn, listen to music, play poker, and shop all at the same time? Well Vegas probably but I have yet to experience that.

However I ran into two problems. I had to go buy toys for my nephew. Yes I am aware you can buy toys over the net but they are something you need to see up close to see if it has the cool factor. You can’t judge the cool factor while shopping over the net for toys. Just like you can’t try on a pair of jeans over the net, some things you just need to shop for.

Plus my family does a grab bag gift for $40… everything I tried to get on the net was sold out or delayed until after Christmas.. So I figured that I could just go and buy it when I went to look for the toys.

I thought about going to the mall and then decided against it, I just figured I only needed two things I didn’t want to turn it into an all day experience.  Wal-mart wasn’t a choice because I hate Wal-mart… So by process of elimination I ended up at Target. I have been to Target two other times in my entire life, it was better then Wal-mart but still it’s a large shitty chain store.

I go to the one in Ventura  parked in Costa Mesa… because the place was packed. I decided that before I went in there that I should use some strategy. Being that I am smarter then most of the idiots that were out on a Wednesday afternoon shopping I decided to enter through lawn and garden… also to check out there because there was no line… Perfect… While up front the line was about 4-6 people deep on each register, which would make me want to carve my eyes out with a spork. ?

I descended into the madness that was Target I had a goal of what I wanted for my grab bag gift. The thing was it was in the middle of an aisle. At one end were three people with shopping carts in a traffic jam. I went down the next aisle to enter the other end of my targeted aisle. Where I was met with a women with the largest baby carriage ever which was sitting in the aisle sidways. Now I am not going to move the carriage to get around because it isn’t my kid and I wasn’t the asshole to block the aisle. I waited a second while this “lady” was looking at something on the shelf. So I took a second and said in a very polite tone, “Excuse me ma’am.” She fucking turned around and let out the biggest SIGH, EVER… Like I was asking her to eat her baby, so she goes to move the carriage and totally over exaggerates having to move it, like she was lifting a seven ton truck or something. (Let me interject some social commentary here. First of all don’t pick out a fucking carriage that can hold 17 kids. Don’t block a fucking aisle with it bitch, it is like a road, people going one way on the right people going the other on the left, it is fucking common sense. Would you leave your car in the middle of the road sideways? No then why do you leave your fucking carriage… Next time I am just going to be a prick and say, “Bitch move your fucking cart or find a babysitter and shop without the kid you twat.” How about that?)

So I made it around the lady with the cart and I examined my potential purchase with disappointing results. I wasn’t what I wanted. At this point I had to exit the aisle and out of spite I decided to leave past the lady again. Because not only was she still there, she put the cart back the way it was. She didn’t correct her fucking mistake. So again I get down there and she actually jumps up and moves the cart. While she was doing it the baby in the cart starting crying, typical no big deal right. She shouts at the baby to “stop whining”. Now I am not good at judging the whole “months” things with kids. My guess is the baby was no older then six months. Way to yell at him lady I am sure that is going to shape him up. Why not pick him up and throw him down the aisle?

Well now at this point I just wanted to get the hell out of there because I was disgusted by the human race. However I still needed to get my gifts. At this point the grab bag gift was going to be the first thing that was halfway decent under $40… Saw a popcorn popper that works on the stove… Good enough for me. Now let’s get the toys out of the way.

On my way to the toys section I walked by electronics and heard this exchange:

Lady: What size of ipod shuffles do you have?

Worker: I am sorry ma’am we don’t have any left in stock.

Lady: That wasn’t my question what size do you carry?

Worker: (names the two sizes of the shuffle)

Lady: So can I get the larger one?

Worker: Um I told you we don’t have any in. I’m sorry

Lady: Why didn’t you fucking tell me that…

Outstanding… Yeah she was on her cell phone the entire time too… Classy

So I make it to the toy section and I am trying to examine what I would like to buy and people keep rushing through the aisle bumping into me. Kids, adults, senior citizens, skinheads, motorheads, parents, the entire ventura college basketball team…. What have you. I decided what I wanted then I made my break for the home and garden section to check out. My plan was perfect I only had one person ahead of me in line.

At this point the cashiers are discussing who is going to take lunch. After five minutes of discussion the one that I was in line for decided to take her lunch. Her sub came in after she finished off her transaction. Instead of ringing me up right away he pulled out a photo album that he set on top of the checkout stand. He leaved through said photo album for a minute or two until he found a picture of his horse with a santa hat on it. He then opens it up and makes it face the customers…

I like Christmas, I like animals… But please ring me fucking out so I can get out of there. Thanks for wasting my time so you can show off your horse. The only thing worse then having small dogs is dressing animals… Don’t tell me that they like it because if they did animals would be wearing clothes just like we do. There is no need for it and it isn’t cute. It is abusive to the animal just so you can have what you think is a cute picture. Also do your job and don’t subject me to this… Now I had to comment about the picture…

“Um how uh… christmasy…”

that is all I could come up…

thank god I am done Christmas shopping