Celeb Pre-nups.. You have got to be kidding me

Untying the knot, celebrity style
Some prenups dictate weight, sexual positions, limit football

The Associated Press

Updated:

4:47 p.m. ET Dec. 13, 2005

LOS ANGELES - No mother-in-law sleepovers. Only one football game per Sunday. Mandatory sexual positions. With celebrity marriages often shorter than Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Dukes, the power of the prenuptial agreement cannot be denied.

Simpson and soon-to-be-ex-husband Nick Lachey didn’t have a prenup — he actually had more earning power than she did when they got married three years ago — so Simpson could have to part with half of the $30 million she earned last year. That’s a lot of Chicken of the Sea.

Other recent breakups include Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen and Christina Applegate and Jonathon Schaech. Prenups are the norm for most stars — even regular folks should have one, if you listen to Kanye West — and these documents can dictate far more than who gets what. Attorneys say some recent celebrity prenups include:

—Limiting the wife’s weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property.

—Allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results.

—Requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife’s parents.

—The previously mentioned rules regarding mothers-in-law, football and sex.

“Everything is legal unless you’re dealing with custody of children or child support,” said Los Angeles divorce attorney Robert Nachshin, who has represented Barry Bonds (his ex signed the prenup the day before their wedding) and author Terry McMillan (who discovered the young hubby who brought her groove back was gay). “Everything else is up for grabs.”

So if Simpson had planned ahead, she could have limited Lachey’s football-watching plus protected her “Dukes of Hazzard” and Dessert cosmetics dollars.

“People have their own little peculiar peccadilloes they’re concerned about,” said attorney Leon F. Bennett, who has represented Marlon Brando, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper. “People of wealth have a sense they have power over others that their money can acquire, and reality shows it can.”

High-profile prenups typically contain confidentiality clauses to keep them out of the public eye, Nachshin said. Even during divorce, many celebrities keep their arrangements private by hiring a retired judge to oversee the proceedings, said attorney Connolly Oyler, who has represented producer Sam Simon and Ali Landry.

Fighting over a taxidermied horse
Infidelity clauses are common, Nachshin said. Michael Douglas agreed to pay Catherine Zeta-Jones millions should he stray, and Denise Richards made similar requirements of Charlie Sheen.

Custody of pets is another common concern. Bennett once handled a case that dictated the destination of a couple’s taxidermied horse. Even gardeners, baby sitters and pool men have been addressed.

Most states, including California, consider anything earned or bought after the wedding day to be community property that should be divided equally in a divorce. Prenuptial agreements — which are signed by both parties by don’t have to be filed in court — can legally determine the distribution of almost anything the couple shared, from art collections to country club memberships.

But discussing the prenup isn’t exactly romantic.

“The problem is the implied distrust,” said Jeremy Ritzlin, a longtime Los Angeles marriage and family therapist.

One of Bennett’s celebrity clients was so worried about offending his future wife, he skipped a prenup in favor of financial planning to keep his pre-marriage property separate. Roseanne Barr was so in love with Tom Arnold before their 1990 wedding that she fired her attorney for suggesting she sign a prenup. When the couple divorced four years later, Arnold left with $50 million.

Britney Spears was reportedly so taken with Kevin Federline that she refused to sign a prenup until her mom and business managers intervened.

“They may be blinded by love and lust,” Bennett said, “but they still need to be protected.”

© 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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What a fucked up world we live in. Well, change that, what a fucked up world they live in. Seriously why even call it a marriage? Why not just call it a business partnership that will further our careers? I really wish we knew who specifically in Hollywood had what in their prenups. Because I think you can judge how fucked up their relationships are by what stipulations they have.

Stipulation A-

—Limiting the wife’s weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property.

Translation: Her mother is fat. Her father is fat. Her grandmother is fat… There is no way she is not going to end up blowing up. So at least when she blows up I get like a bonus for it, I might not be attracted to her anymore but at least I am a hundred grand richer.

Result: Eating disorder or a nasty coke habit.

Stipulation B-

—Allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results.

Translation: My husband is a rock star and I want to be able to make money off of him because as a former stripper/playmate I don’t have any real income coming in. Because I know he is addicted to smack I can to a drug test at least once every two months and get what I used to make in a year.

Result: Rockstar husband gives you Hep C as revenge damaging you for the rest of your life.

Stipulation C-

—Requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife’s parents.

Translation: This could be either one of two types of things:

Situation A- Due to the fact that my husband has picked me out of relative obscurity, totally taking me out of my white trash past, my parents need to sponge off of us. However I know he doesn’t like this and will shit on my parents, so let’s make money off of the inevitable reaction melt down he has when my parents wash the pig in our hot tub.

Situation B- My parents have micromanaged my career because my mom is a failed beauty queen turned into stage parents. Thus they will continue to be in my daily life continuing to manage my career, and annoying the piss out of you.

Result: Husband goes to every possible Hollywood premiere and party to stay the hell away from your family. “Oh the Levitra launch party for their new commercial is in Hollywood tonight? Let’s roll.”

Stipulation D-

-Only one football game per Sunday.

Translation: My husband who has been a sports fan his entire life must now be micromanaged by me and made to feel miserable. I will shop all day Saturday and then make sure I am home on Sunday to enforce said rule, instead of shopping on Sunday and leaving him the fuck alone. Just to show him who is boss.

Result: Out of spite husband buys season tickets to local sports team and drags wife to events as penance, even though he hates the team. But in order to get back at his wife this is what he has to do… Since LA doesn’t have football you know in the past it was Clippers season tickets.

Stipulation E-

-Mandatory sexual positions.

Translation: My wife was a virgin before we met and I need to make sure she is shown the ropes. Or she doesn’t like anal or give blowjobs.

Result: Wife does the acts out of contractual obligation, then you get divorced and she becomes the biggest whore ever… Watch Jessica Simpson over the next year.

One other quote in the article totally floored me:

“Britney Spears was reportedly so taken with Kevin Federline that she refused to sign a prenup until her mom and business managers intervened.”

Can you imagine being a fly on the wall in that house.

Britney: But mom I love him, I think we will be together forever… I don’t want to ask him to sign one of these. Besides, we both have money of our own.

Business Manager: Um he has nine dollars in his checking account.

Mother: Two words for you honey: Shar Jackson.

Britney: Where do I sign?