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Somebody Has Got To Stop This Garbage

By: Bobby Finstock on 12/7/05 @ 8:24 pm

Why shit like this needs to be stopped.

Yesterday I was sent this file by an unnamed source (I am protecting his street cred), in order to critique said file for my blog. As you know I am a student of pop culture, I struggle to figure out the appeal of a lot of different thing; Paris Hilton, MTV, Ashton Kutcher, most shows on CBS, and the most perplexing of all pop teen stars.

So I am going to break down this abortion of a performance. Life from Orlando and the Regis and Kelly show…. Aaron Carter.

Here is the link:


Oh yes you read that right… Reject little brother of Nic Carter… Aaron Carter. Let the fun begin.

:02- MMMMMM Kelly Ripa… I am confused sometimes is she is hot or not because she looks orange a lot like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. But I am going to just to declare today that yes I think Kelly Ripa is hot. Even though she had so many kids it is probably like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

:06- He has sold over 5 million albums? WTF are you kidding me? No wonder why companies are so eager to market to girls under 18 they buy the stupidest shit ever. If they came out with an Aaron Carter tampon it would destroy Tampax… Hey wait a second that isn’t a bad idea.

:20- Why would you have two dancers do that? The whole double flip type thing? All they are doing is showing they have more talent then the singer.

:29- Aaron is going through the semi tough guy/bad boy stage. I think he is trying to be Donnie from New Kids on the Block…. You sir are no Donnie.

:40- The song horrible… It’s hard not to resist turning down your speakers. What is funny is when there is lulls in the music you can hear the girls screaming at the top of their lungs. I don’t get it… Wait never mind, I do, they could give a shit about the music they just want to scream over Aaron Carter. It is all coming together now…

:49- You can smell a party? Interesting.. Insightful lyrics Aaron.

:55- Ok now just the guys dance!!!! And I would like to state for the record I would totally bang the girl on the left. She’s legal right?

1:00- WTF… what is the deal with the white male back up dancer’s hair? Is he supposed to be punk? Don’t you think being dancer for Aaron Carter destroys any punk cred that you have?

1:02- Blatant Michael Jackson dance move theft alert. Why not just grab the crotch now Aaron?

1:07- Are they playing air guitar?

1:24- I don’t think he is lip syncing… But the background tracks are totally fake.

1:37- comic book guy

Worst choreography ever…..

1:41- Is someone rapping? Is it AC? Where is the voiceover coming from? I am sure fucking that hack Ja-rule has nothing to do, why isn’t he flowing on this spot? (yeah I should never talk about rap again)

1:49- Now I am convinced he is lip syncing. Who writes this shit anyways? I think I could be a pop music writer. You must use baby at least four times in the song, you must mention a day of the week in the song, and say party at least ten times.

1:53- That might be the worst camera work I have ever seen… I expect more out of the production staff on “Regis and Kelly”. Speaking of Regis do you think he is standing towards the back saying shit like, “Who the fuck is this guy? I hosted two shows 5 times a week for a year, I do New Years Eve and I bang Joy every night. But they are calling this little shit an entertainer? He couldn’t hold my jock. Dammit Kelly I told you to lick my asshole not finger it.”

2:01- I don’t think she is legal. Damn.

2:14- Listen to him awkwardly hit that note. Peter Brady went through it too Aaron… It’s ok. Just think what you have to look forward to. 30 Years from now you can bang a white trash girl that was on America’s Top Model and they will film a reality show around it. On the show she will constantly ask you about getting married although you have only been dating for a few months, because she sees you as her security blanket and her goldmine, so you have that going for you which is nice.

2:29- I am the whitest man in a America and I could pull some of these dances moves off. It gives me hope. I think he actually is singing and it isn’t remotely on key. Maybe he just lip syc’d the rap part.

2:33- What the hell are they doing? I think there is deeper symbolism here. He is the messiah maybe? Or the puppet master because he is pulling all the strings. Or maybe the Godfather…. I need to stop I can’t believe I reference the Godfather in an Aaron Carter blog, wait I can’t believe I am writing about Aaron Carter…

2:41- He did the sign for give me applause because teenage girls are too fucking stupid to know when a song is over. Outstanding…

2:49- That song was like barely two minutes. Did they shorten it down for the show? Or is that the length of the song? It’s like an extended commercial jingle… Or maybe they have an extended cut where Aaron breaks it down a little more for us. Maybe MC Skat Kat makes his comeback appearance on the club remix? (yes I referenced the cat that is the Paula Abdul opposites attract video… I will go and hang myself immediately)

2:54- Did he just homie handshake Regis? And Regis hung with it… Holy shit. Also I think Kelly is totally checking out the kids with the punk hairdo ass when he walks buy.

3:06- A promo for Rob and Amber being on the show. Could any two people milk reality tv more then these two? Well besides anyone that appears on the Real World/Road Rules challenge every time out… and Eric Neis. I just hate Eric Neis.

3:12- That is officially three minutes and twelve seconds of my life that I could never get back. And I dragged you all down with me.

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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