Ah Paris We Meet Again For the First Time

So I got up this morning… Did what I do in the morning and decided I should check my e-mail at some point. I turned on the computer… Sat there for a second, happy that a new week was starting and thinking about all the possible things I could do over the week.

I opened internet explorer and I saw this on my homepage (which is yahoo):

“After making it big in TV, music, and film, Paris returns to the literary world with her second book, ‘Your Heiress Diary.’

Now she wants to answer your questions in an upcoming interview! Send your questions to ParisHiltonQA@yahoo.com, and check back on Dec. 8th to hear her answers. ” and check back on Dec. 8th to hear her answers.”

At first I wanted to rip the monitor off the desk and throw it into the wall. Followed quickly by me whipping out the little general and pissing all over said monitor while screaming in agony. The only problem was I didn’t have to piss so I thought better of it.

After a few seconds of thinking I thought this is actually a great opportunity, I could ask the person I hate the most in the world numerous questions. So after great thought, well okay about thirty seconds of thought, these would be the questions I would ask Paris Hilton:

1) How long did you actually spend on your two books? 15 minutes? 30 minutes? Or did the ghost writer just call and ask you a couple of questions?

2) How does it feel to be famous for having no discernible talent?

3) Is it true in Hollywood they can roto-root your vagina of any disease?

4) Have you fucked every greek shipping heir? If not how many more greek shipping heirs are there?

5) After watching your “video” do you realize that you could possibly be the worst lay ever?

6) Do you realize that nobody really likes you? Except people with the IQ equivalent of squeezable mustard packets.

7) I totally detest you… wait that wasn’t a question sorry.

So when you wake up is it like “Coming to America” where people bathe you? And wipe your ass? I just wanted that cleared up.

9) Did Nicole Richie pay someone to put their finger down her throat so she could vomit or did she do it herself?

10) Do you realize that small dogs are annoying and you have started a trend that could be the worst development in America? Small dogs being brought everywhere is not cool, nor hygienic, nor interesting.

11) Can you read?

12) Did you know that when you were on “The Simple Life” I secretly hoped for a combine accident or something where your sleeve would get caught in a major piece of farm equipment?

13) Weren’t you friends with Tara Reid at one point? Why?

14) Are you responsible for Ms. Lohan losing her figure and turning into a coke whore?

15) Have you banged Wilmer Valderama? Because he is the new Scott Baio of Hollywood, except without the talent.

16) Are you planning on ever releasing that cd you have been working on? I would like to know when so I can prepare to rip out my ear drums and eat them for good measure.

17) Could you please act in yet another shitty movie? Your lack of a soul and personality really come out when you are on camera.

18) Can you please ride a motorcycle to more premieres?

19) Do you realize that chlamydia isn’t a flower?

20) When you grow old are you going to look back on your life and realize that you contributed NOTHING to society?