2005 December | Pointless Banter

Archive for December, 2005

2005 A Year In Review

Published by Kevin on December 30, 2005 in Pointless Banter Stuff. 1 Comment

So I decided to do a year end blog covering all the exciting things that happened this year… Well ok let me change that to pointless things that entertained me. But before I jump into that I need a question answered. If the Duke Boys in the Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie are supposed to be idiots then why did they drop a reference to The Usual Suspects? Sean William Scott said, “Then she up’d and pulled a Keyser Soze.” I just don’t get it.

Anyways my year end awards:

Person to lose the most respect in the eyes of the American public Award:

George Bush, actually who wants to write about him there are enough political blogs out there….

The winner is:

“We don’t have a date yet, [but we have] big, big plans. We talk about it. I really didn’t know that there were so many wedding magazines. I said, ‘Are you kidding me? There are things for the flowers, the cake, the dresses…’”
- on preparing for his wedding to Katie Holmes

tom cruise

The fall of an icon happened right before our eyes on national TV.

The Fall of an Icon… A Blow by Blow Report With Pics

It was like the Oswald murder but for the entertainment industry. People will be able to tell you where they were when it happened. Has anyone that used to be cool become un-cool so quick?

No Matter How Much Weight They Lose They Will Never Be Attractive Award Goes To:

Kirstie Alleyis a fucking train wreck… I don’t care if you like “Fat Actress” or whatever she is a pig… The best though is listening to all her interviews, where she drops jems like:

“I haven’t wanted to have sex. I truly consider that sex probably screwed up my life more than any single action that I ever experienced.”

Actually Kirstie I think it was your inability to put down that bag of fucking Fritos.

kristie alley

The Person I Most Hope Gets Hit By A Bus Award:

paris hilton

My distaste for Paris Hilton can be summed up in many different ways and I am not going to piss away my time trying to do it.

The Award For Things I Don’t Give a Shit About:

-“Everybody Loves Raymond” went off of the air, I can honestly say that I never watched the show while it was on CBS and I don’t feel a tinge of sadness.-Martha going to jail… Don’t care… Robert Blake.. the bitch kind of deserved it, don’t care, Michael Jackson… nothing shocking don’t care… Although the whole “Jesus Juice” thing was kind of funny

-Carrie Underwood won American Idol… I couldn’t pick her out of a police lineup. Even if everyone else in the lineup was offensive linemen.

-Oprah was on for her 25th year… Guess what I don’t care. I mean the lady brought us Dr. Phil… Yeah she gave away cars, got people reading again, but she brought us Dr. Phil.

But Dr Philwas involved in:

The Greatest Celeb Scandal of the Year:

So here is a guy that makes his living covering shitty Hollywood bullshit stories, like where celebrities like to go bowling or whatever. He gets a hard on when they have some celebrity trial or controversy, usually adding fuel to the flame. Then he gets caught leaving messages to women like:

Fuckin sexy.. I wanna fuckin go crazy with you….. so uhm….. I wanna fuckin go crazy with you

Saved Message Sunday 7:09pm

You are so fucking hot… and I wanna eat you…. and I want you to suck my cock.. I wanna fuck you… and I want my girlfriend to eat you… So fuckin hot.. you are fuckin hot…. Lets do it…. you are so fucking hot…. Please leave me a voice mail… go to the bathroom and leave me a voice mail… Bye

Saved Message Sunday 7:48pm

I am so fucking into you.. but Betsy’s so jealous but… let’s fuckin have sex and I wanna lick your pussy and suck your tits… But you have to be into Betsy… I told Betsy that you were into her…. and if you get this message look at me and say yes… God, I wanna fuckin lick your pussy and make you come so much… and get crazy…. I don’t know why I’m like this but… I want you badly and I know you want me… but you have to be with Betsy too… so when you get this message… if you agree with me say yes
Saved Message Sunday 7:51pm

You’re so fuckin hot… Just… look…if you agree with anything I’ve said, just say yes to me.. or wink.. I wanna fuckin go crazy with you.. drive you nuts

Saved Message Sunday 8:34pm

Hey it’s me. I am so fuckin into you and you have to pay attention to Betsy, but let’s have fun… I wanna fuckin eat you and fuck you and.. suck your tits and.. watch you eat Betsy and.. lick your ass… I’m so fuckin into you it’s incredible… uhm.. Check this message and then just say to me… yes.. and Jess can watch us.. let’s just fuckin have fun I’m so fuckin into you you’re so fuckin hot.. and I don’t do this for a living this is like new to me… but I want to fuckin.. make you crazy. Bye.

Saved Message Sunday 9:04pm

Hey it’s me… uhm… You’re so fuckin hot.. uhm… Betsy’s like all of a sudden.. not into it, but.. if the three of us can get together I wanna fuckin suck your pussy… talk dirty to you… I want you and Betsy to eat each other… suck my cock… beat off in your face… heh… get another woman up… hire a hooker.. let’s get crazy.. get some coke…. so when you get this message…. if you agree with this just look at me and say yes.. God, you’re so fuckin hot… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I don’t do this.. but I fuckin want to just.. fuckin.. make.. you…crazy… make you fuckin crazy… I have to convince Betsy that you’re into her.. I wanna watch you guys make out.. so when you get this message, if you agree with me… I don’t know why my phone doesn’t take messages by the way… we can have any of these fuckin hookers, too… let’s just fuckin have sex and fun.. drugs.. fuck and… eat.. go crazy.. Bye.. If you agree with me… look at me and wink or say yes or something.. and Jess can watch that sexiness…

So let’s sum this up:

This Guy on a Coke Binge:

pat obrien

Leaves messages like: “watch you eat Betsy and.. lick your ass”

I would just like to say it will never get to old to me. Pat O’Brien rules.

Most Pointless So Called Celebrity News, That Was Considered New But Wasn’t (Tie):

Sulu coming out of the closet…My Take on The SuluStory

and…

Cherryl Swoopscoming out of the closet ..The Cherryl Swoops Story

This just in: Dick Clarkis old, Carrot Top is not funny, Pam Anderson has fake tits, and George Bush is not smart.

Runner up: Kate Mosswas doing coke… Wow a supermodel doing coke, I would have never even thought that. I mean it would be like a rock star doing smack, oh wait nevermind.

My Favorite Non-Celeb Related News Story of the Year:

My Favorite Story of the Year

I have to say the whole hot teacher female teacher banging younger student is something that:

a) Will never get old

b) Creates so many questions

c) Seems to only happen in Florida…. What the fuck is going on down there?

Runner Up: The New Type of Cool Mom

Other Crap Like This:

Reviews and Awards

O.A.R- The Wiltern

A Personal Year in Review

Michael Bay… I hate you

Poor Tara Reid

Thanks UNICEF for Pissing on My Childhood

Published by Kevin on December 30, 2005 in Current Affairs. 0 Comments

unicef smurfs

This is a legit ad in Europe in order to garner support for war torn areas and the childern that are left behind. All I have to say is…

WHAT THE FUCK? Can I have an ounce of my fucking childhood left in tact? Um did they forget to draw 4 soliders raping smurfette? What nobody skull fucking the corpse of papa smurf?

Seriously this is going a little far… Ugh… I need to go vomit now and I hope I don’t turn on the tv and see a gay porn GI Joe…

(EDITED: Yeah so I have had a couple of people ask me if this was real. It totally is… Here is the article which was on E!online… Yeah I know it is E! the evil bastards that canceled Taradise but it is 100% legit.)

It’s just another smurfy day in Smurf Village. The perpetually perky blue beings frolic around the fire, holding hands and singing that “tra-la-la-la-la-la” tune as bluebirds flutter by and rabbits hop around.

A regular Smurftopia.

But then the bombs come.

Hundreds of them raining down from warplanes in the sky, wiping out the mushroom-shaped abodes. Amid the fiery explosions, Smurfette is killed. Papa Smurf disappears. As the smoke clears, only an orphaned Baby Smurf remains, sobbing among the corpses.

No, this is not some pipe dream of Gargamel. The Smurfocide was instead perpetuated by the United Nations Children’s Fund, or UNICEF.

UNICEF’s Belgian office is using the Smurfs as the centerpiece of a new fundraising initiative to shock viewers into donating money to help children in war-torn regions. The agency also hopes to rehabilitate former child soldiers in Burundi.

“The idea of using familiar, reassuring childhood icons in a decidedly dangerous context was intended to bring home to the public the horrendous nature of this theft of children’s rights,” says UNICEF’s Gaelle Buasson.

“We could have shown real-live images of children wounded in Iraq, Palestine or other places. But we refused this option because they would not respect the dignity and rights of the depicted children…So we decided to use ‘fictive’ cartoon images.”

Dubbed the first adults-only version of The Smurfs, UNICEF’s 30-second ‘toon ends with the tagline: “Don’t let war affect the lives of children.”

After coming up with the idea for the Smurfogeddon, UNICEF obtained permission to create the short from IMPS, which took over control of the critters after the death of their creator, the Belgian cartoonist Peyo. The clip was previewed on Belgian TV last week during evening newscasts.

According to London’s Daily Telegraph, the spot evoked mixed emotions from viewers–including shock from children who accidentally caught the spot.

But the clip received a thumbs up from the official Smurf fan club. “I think it will wake up some people. It is so un-Smurf-like, it might get people to think,” a spokesman told the Telegraph.

Julie Lamoureux, account director for Publicis, the ad agency that created the campaign, says the original concept included even more graphic imagery of weapons of mass Smurfstruction.

“We wanted something that was real war–Smurfs losing arms, or a Smurf losing a head–but they said no,” she told the Telegraph.

The clip will begin airing regularly next week in Belgium, but only after 9 p.m., and run through April. UNICEF says response has been so strong that the short could soon be seen in Europe, Latin America and Australia with the stipulations that it must air after 7 p.m. local time, it can only be aired with information explaining the clip, and it cannot be put on the Internet. There are no current plans to broadcast the clip in the U.S.

For Stateside fans, and those who prefer their Smurfs intact, a 3-D, CGI-animated Smurfs feature film will bow in theaters in 2008. The extravaganza from Paramount’s Nickelodeon Movies will be the first in a planned trilogy. (As reported by E! Online)

( I didn’t notice the last part of this until now… You know what… If it is going to prevent me from hearing that song firebomb the bastards.)

Other Crap Like This:

I Might As Well Have Never Had A Childhood

UNICEF’s new European Ad

Things You Do Multiple Time in Your Life, If Not Daily That I Hate

Did you hear the news?

5 Things the Interweb Has Ruined For Me

Damn You Jessica Alba…

Published by Kevin on December 29, 2005 in Movies. 1 Comment

Jessica Alba you need to stop…

I can’t take it anymore… First Sin City where you are an exotic dancer and now you have forced me to sit through “Into the Blue” for two hours, two hours that I will never get back again which really kind of sucks.

Jessica Alba it is because of you… I had to sit through shitty Scott Caan and Paul Walker acting for two hours… Just because you look hot in a bikini. Watching Paul Walker act is like watching a retarded kid do Hamlet, it isn’t all that entertaining and it is very cruel. And Scott Can is like 3 feet tall. I am convinced he is a dwarf.

In those two hours I could have:

-read a book

-volunteered to help the needy

-had sex

-gone on a date

-cooked an entire dinner for 8

-sent out thank you cards for Christmas presents

-wrote letters to friends I don’t keep in touch with

-learn how to do the running man properly

-played a game of monopoly

-watched a good movie

But instead I watched a movie because I thought I could see
your nipples through your bikini.

So Jessica Alba I DEMAND that in the year 2006 you do a movie with full frontal nudity. That is the only way you can make up for this. Well I could think of other ways but it wouldn’t be legal in most states and while I hate to admit it you might be a tad out of my league.

Other Crap Like This:

F, Marry, Kill… I can’t believe I put actual time into this

It doesn’t take much to entertain me

Thank You Lohan Family

Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn

Taste in music

I Need To Start Taking Sleeping Pills Because I Have the Wierdest Dreams

Published by Kevin on December 29, 2005 in Dreams/Nightmares. 2 Comments

So I had a rather weird dream last night. I was back in NY at the college bar I used to dj at, it had to be winter or summer break because there weren’t a lot of people there. I was getting very frustrated because I didn’t have the usual array of cds to choose from, instead of a couple of hundred cds I had twenty and most of them were awful or scratched. Sitting in the booth I was planning on what to play next when a guy came to the door of the booth, which is slightly elevated he came up the three steps and was standing at the door. He had a rat tail, yes long piece of hair grown from the back of his head.

He launched into this long story about how his girlfriend was having a special birthday and he went on and on. I cut him off because I knew it was just leading to a song request, hearing the story isn’t going to change my opinion if I am going to play it or not so I told him to just ask for the song. “I want to hear Creed- With Arms Wide Open”, he replied. I shuddered a little and I told him that I didn’t have the cd to play his song and even if I did I probably wouldn’t play it for a myriad of reasons. This guy got a little upset at me and started shouting, I told him to calm down and he stamped off. I turned around and started searching for cds again as the song that was playing was winding down. I frantically grabbed what I thought was the Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits CD to play “American Girl” but instead it was an old Cypress Hill CD which I didn’t notice until “Hits From the Bong” started playing over the sound system. I was kind of pissed because the cd was in the wrong case but I moved on.

Two girls then approached the booth. One was slightly over weight and had a like 80’s big hair thing going on. The other was scrawny and had like a black rotted tooth, which I couldn’t stop looking at. I asked them if I could help them and the scrawny one started yelling at me that I wouldn’t play her song that her boyfriend asked for. Yet again I explained that I didn’t have it and she said I was lying and began trying to come into the booth. I told her she wasn’t allowed back here and her fat friend started giving me attitude about how I was a jerk. At this point I was getting pissed and I told her to “get her narrow ass out of my way so I could do my job, if she wanted to hear the song that bad she should get the hell out of the bar and go home and listen to it.”

Needless to say that didn’t go over well. They stormed off to get their boyfriends. The first guy came back and said that he was going to kick my ass but his friend wanted a piece of me first. “I don’t think you want to get into a fight with someone working at a bar, the odds aren’t that good of you making it out in one piece.”, was the first thing I could think of saying fearing that his friend was some huge ass guy. I see out of the window to the booth an empty wheel chair. At the door was a guy feebly holding himself up on the lower part of the door. (The top half of the door was open.) In his hand he was holding a swiss army knife. I think that he had a mild form of cerebral palsy; he wasn’t holding the knife all that well so I just took it out of his hands. He then tried to swing at me… So I was faced with a moral dilemma do I punch a kid with a mild form of cerebral palsy? My rationale was yes. He was attacking me with a knife for gods sake, so I punched him right in the face and he fell back.

I grabbed his friend and tossed him down the stairs onto the pool table. Looking towards the front of the bar I waived for the bouncers to come back. At this point everyone in the bar was watching me fight a kid with palsy and a guy with a rat tail. Good times. I was feeling bad the entire time this was going on like I was going to go to hell for doing so but I also felt the need to protect myself. Their girlfriends were standing there cheering them on like it was a weird scene out of Rocky. The kid with palsy kept coming at me and I actually kicked him when he was reaching for my leg when he was on the floor, the rat tail guy got up and tried to break a pool stick over his leg but failed miserably.

Finally the bouncer made it to the back of the bar. “Lumpy” the bouncer is a hulk of a guy, he surveyed the two guys and starting laughing, “Usually I get a couple of shots in as I throw them out of the bar but it looks like you did all the work… Good job.”

End of dream and the beginning of my slow decent into hell.

Other Crap Like This:

Molly Ringwald you are a slut

Mouth… meet Foot

Seventeen Magazine Questions Answered

My Reoccurring Dream, Can You Figure it Out?

Who’s your crappy guest host? Moghdor. Shit.

Paris Wins the Title of Biggest Whore in Hollywood

Published by Kevin on December 28, 2005 in I Hate Paris Hilton. 0 Comments

So for months I totally talked about writing a blog and making it the great whore off… A Tournament style competition of groupies and girls with morally casual attitudes, which would be fun for all and high comedy. Sadly as I started doing my research for that blog I was disturbed by what I found. There is just no way that I could even write a blog like that. I loved the concept… I mean we could have had brackets and just crazy little blurbs like. “Pam once tossed Kid Rock’s salad after he ate Taco Bell”. But it just isn’t meant to be, why you ask?

Was it because of moral questions? HAHAHA no…

Was it because it was a little trashy for me to write about people’s personal lives? Nope

Was it because it was a little feminine of me to gossip? Screw that.

When I started looking into it I thought for sure that no matter what happened Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra would totally finish higher then anyone else in the competition, making it a two horse or whore race. Put as I dug… One name surpassed them all… In fact she surpassed the totals of both Pam Anderson and Carmen Elektra by more then 5 people easily…

Who is this ultra slut you ask?

Denise Richards? Nope

Christina Aquilra? Nope an angel compared to the others

Mrs. Federline? Try again.

Heather Kozar? Nope… not even close

Tara Reid? Might as well be a virgin compared to the number one person.

Let’s break this down:

pam anderson

Pam Anderson- (11)

Ben Affleck, Scott Baio, Dean Cain, David Charvet, John Cusack, Kid Rock, Tommy Lee (Motley), Bret Michaels (Poison), Marcus Schenkenberg, Kelly Slater, Sylvester Stallone

(Note: I never knew about Affleck or John Cusack… those were my wtf moments of the day. Affleck is such a poon hound… But Cusack? )

carmen electra

Carmen Elektra- (9)

CARMEN ELECTRA has been with:
B-Real (Cypress Hill), Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit), Kid Rock, Tommy Lee (Motley), Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray), Dave Navarro (RHCP, Janes Addiction), Prince, Dennis Rodman, Vin Diesel.

The number one whore? You guessed it… Making her second appearance in my blog in one day… Paris Hilton.

paris hilton courtney love

PARIS HILTON has been with: (16)
Nicholas Cage, Leonardo DiCaprio, Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit), “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis, Eddie Furlong, Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray), A.Jay Popoff (Lit), Deryck Whibley (Sum 41), Jason Shaw, Rick Saloman, Jamie Kennedy, Simon Rex, Oscar De La Hoya, Stavros Niarchos, Paris Latsis, Nick Carter

(Note: Nic Cage… where the hell did that come from?)

What is disturbing about this list is the repeat offenders: Tommy Lee, Fred Durst, and Mark McGrath.

Do these guys just sit around in Hollywood attempting to get laid 24-7?

McGrath looks wise I guess I can get. Although he is the least talented of the three which is rather a big insult.

Then Lee… yeah your cooch might rot off but we all know he is hung like a horse… So fine I get that…

But why the fuck would anyone sleep with….

This ass clown

fred durst

Other Crap Like This:

One of the biggest disappointments of my life

Paris Hilton to Open Nightclub

Can Paris Hilton Not Have Sex Without a Camera?

Place your bets

Reason Number 4 Why I Hate Paris Hilton

Oh Where Has All the Musical Talent Gone?

Published by Kevin on December 27, 2005 in Music. 0 Comments

There is an odd trend in the music industry that has been bugging me a lot. I know I have touched on this before but the whole younger sibling stepping into the limelight as the older brother or sister ages is the worst trend ever. This trend is rather disturbing; in the last few years we have all seen the younger brother or sister Britney Spears, Nick Carter, and Jessica Simpson all jump into the teeny bopper limelight. All of these off spring have considerably less talent then their older brother or sister but because large companies can market them they get shoved down the public’s throat. (The only person to break from this trend is the older sister of Hillary Duff, it’s the first time on record that the older sibling all of a sudden appears in the limelight. Do you think that she was maybe a fluffer working on set in Sherman Oaks when her sister threw her a bone and asked her to work with her?)

It used to not be like this. Back in the day groups used to have protégés, people that they would bring along and expose to the masses. You had the stable of artists that Prince brought into the world, and other various groups that were produced by random celebrities like Rick James. But in the world of teeny bopper music few knew how to bring along a stable of artists like the musical genius that was Michael Bivins. I know some of you are like who the fuck is Michael Bivins? ?He was a member of New Edition then later a member of Bell Biv Devoe, you know the group that brought us musical treasures like “Poison”, strip club staple “Do Me!”, and “BBD (I thought it was me)”. Bivins also produced the likes of Boyz II Men as part of his East Coast Family, a group of young guys that he brought along unlike the current trend in the music industry. But his greatest contribution to the musical world was…. Another Bad Creation.

another bad creation

Now I know a lot of people that read my blog might have been too young when ABC came out, or maybe you have blocked it from your memory. But they were the ultimate young group for Michael Bivins to work with. Chris Sellers, Dave Shelton, Romell Chapman, and brothers Marliss and Demetrius Pugh made up this preteen quintet (yahoo had them listed as a quartet) that brought us the single greatest debut by a pre-teen group, “Coolin’ at the Playground Ya’ Know”. This masterpiece brought us two of the greatest boy band singles of all times “Playground” and “Iesha”. Not only did Bivins produce this legendary band he also did random drop ins to their songs, making him the Dr. Dre of his era. To show you the talent that these guys had, here are the lyrics to “Iesha”:

RoRo:
Iesha, [tag]Iesha[/tag] so glad to meetcha
See you in the schoolyard strollin’ wit your techa
The lil skirt you played was realy fly
She turned around and she winked her eye so I
Stepped to her like I knew her the Biv is cool but Romell is cooler
The bell rang cuz I started to talk yet the class is not there no more

(Yo Red, where’d you meet her?)

Red:
At the playground, ya know
That’s where I saw this cutie
This girl was swingin’ and she looked so fly
On the monkey bars, we climbed up to the top and
She touched my hand that’s when I fell in love

Chris:

2 - Iesha..
You are the girl that I neva had
And I want to get to know you bettah
Iesha..
You know I want you so bad
And there’s nothing anyone can do
To keep me away from you

Mike Bivins:
Yo Dallas man these five young boys out of Atlanta GA are a real adventure
They kinda like remind me of me and my boys New Edition, know what I’m sayin
So all you people out there ridin’ in your cars listenin to the radio station
Or coolin’ back in the living room watchin this here video, ay yo peep the 2nd verse

We played Nintendo This was her very first date
I didn’t wanna make it seem to fly
We ate cereal
She couldn’t stay out at late
Her mother told her to be home at nine

[Repeat 2]

Break

(Ronnie Bobby Ricky and Mike)
Chris, Mark, Red, Da, Ro x2

Yo Ro u might sound to sure so wutcha gonna do?
I dunno Da, I only got one more rap and I’m gonna see what happens

Threw down my books went up to the door
Pressed the bell what was in store?
Iesha came out with a smile (oh no)
She aint worth the while
So I passed her a lolli pop and a letter
Told her so let’s keep this a secret
No remember Iesha, only u can keep this, peace

Just a couple of random thoughts on the lyrics: Who would have ever thought a 12 year old could “look so fly”, not me… And what was the deal with her being able to stay out until nine on a date what type of whore were her parents raising?

Sadly this group only made one more album, “It Ain’t What You Wear, But How You Play It” and disbanded in 1993… Giving them a career spanning from 1991-1993… Longer then most relationships I have had.

It’s unfortunate that we will never see talent like this again… Instead of musical genius we are left with [tag]Aaron Carter[/tag]. My how times have changed, and not for the better.

Other Crap Like This:

Would I Have Sex With Sarah McLachlan?

He Needs to Be Stopped

About

The Evil That Is Dive Bar Karaoke

F, Marry, Kill… I can’t believe I put actual time into this