"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


The End Of Jessica and Nick: A Breakdown

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/25/05 @ 8:56 pm

Nick and Jessica Say It’s Over

After more than a year of break-up rumors, “Newlyweds” couple JESSICA SIMPSONand NICK LACHEY have decided to call it quits and released this statement tonight:

“After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.”

Back in October, rumors of a split started to swirl when Jessica arrived solo (and without her wedding ring) to her sister ASHLEE’s 21st birthday in Las Vegas and Lachey, who was scheduled to be there, was a no-show. Nick and Jessica were also reportedly apart for two more special dates: their 3rd wedding anniversary on October 26 and Nick’s 32nd birthday on November 9.

It was just this fall, while talking about her new body care collection “Sweet Kisses,” Jessica spoke with ET, offering marriage advice. “I think you have to always remember, and he has to remember, that you do need a compromise, even though it’s hard,” she said.

She admitted though, that sometimes strong personalities can get in the way of marital negotiations. “There’s people with pride involved,” she says. “You have to back down sometime — just a little bit.”

The couple married in Austin, TX in front of 350 guests in an hour-long Baptist ceremony. Jessica wore a strapless VERA WANG gown and Lachey sang “My Everything,” a song he wrote just for his bride.

Did any person on the face of the earth really believe that this marriage was going to work? I can think of at least five reasons off of the top of my head why this was destined to fail.

1) She was a virgin… Lachey was getting boy band ass. Crazy boy band ass… Groupies, backup dancers, mothers that brought their daughters to the shows, what have you… So then he decides to settle down and marries Jessica a virgin. Now Nick was used to freaky girls. I mean I am sure there were girls that they asked to shit in a litter box in order to make their way backstage. He was having threesomes, rusty trombones, or whatever… Jessica knows nothing about this stuff. This is also tied into point number 2.

2) Hot girls suck in bed, unless they are in porn or were ugly/fat in their teens and early twenties (NOTE: I am talking about the 3-5 lass of women that are crazy hot. There is a difference between being hot in your local town and then being like supermodel, celeb hot.) I think this is a known fact… Or at least this is one of the numerous theories of Kevin. Hot girls are not as good in bed as the general population of the United States. Hot girls in general have had to expend very little effort in life, except for looking good. Besides that in general they get what they want for the most part. Because guys are saps and will give looking girls whatever they want… Meanwhile other girls have to expend effort in their lives to get what they want. Including getting and keeping men. In order to keep men that maybe would be out of their league these women develop skills in order to do so. Jessica is in that 5% of really hot girls… plus she was a virgin… You do the math on that.

3) She has an annoying ass family. Her bible thumping dad is her manager. Right there should have been a warning sign. Her mother is a dumbass like her. And her sister, is a no talent hack that latched onto her sisters name and has been a continued embarrassment to the family. Why would you marry into that family? Ok maybe he was blinded because he wanted to pop the cherry of Jessica. Not the first time a guy has been blinded by vagina… Nor will it be the last. But after they got married you know he had to realize what he married to. Plus they were southerners so you know they weren’t the brightest bulbs in the drawer.

4) She was much more successful then her husband. A lot of marriages work with the women being more successful then the husband. That isn’t a bad thing by any means. But when you are in an industry that is fueled by ego and everything else that comes with it Nick had to be pissed that basically his best years were behind him. Sure the tv show might have gotten him a sitcom deal, guest starring spots on tv shows, and a crappy holiday special. But his recording career for the most part was dead at this point, she was pulling somewhat large movie roles, and people in the press were even calling him Mr. Simpson at times. There is no way in hell he was going to live his life like that, especially with everything else tied in.

5) The entire start of their marriage was caught on tv. If this isn’t a recipe for failure I don’t know what is. The first few months are crucial to see if they can live together. To break in the whole sexual relationship, to see if they can deal with each other. Guess what when a tv camera is pointed in your face the entire time it is kind of hard to develop anything. Not like I know from experience but come on. Logic dictates that it is rather hard to bang in the afternoon with camera man joey, sound guy steve, and producer Melinda are all staring at you.

So those are just five reasons off of the top of my head. I could have gone on to talk about the whole playboy girl, stripper factor which has really come about since the show aired. Nick while getting boy band ass in the past was actually getting LA stripper/playboy girl ass which is a whole different level from boy band ass. Which I think caused a strain on the relationship… But what fun is it to talk about that stuff?

So that is my official breakdown on where things went wrong. Halftime really needs to get over with so I have something to do…

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

3 Responses to “The End Of Jessica and Nick: A Breakdown”

  1. Somebody says:

    Saying that “hot girls suck in bed” and that southerners are dumb is just plain stereotyping. I’m not sticking up for Jessica or Nick; I was never a big fan. If you take out all the stereotyping and such, it’s a pretty good article. Anyway, I don’t care for Jessica and Nick.

  2. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4905"]Saying that “hot girls suck in bed” and that southerners are dumb is just plain stereotyping. I’m not sticking up for Jessica or Nick; I was never a big fan. If you take out all the stereotyping and such, it’s a pretty good article. Anyway, I don’t care for Jessica and Nick.[/quote]

    Um, it is a comedy piece.

  3. abc chick says:

    Haha, this was great.

© 2005 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound