"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


How Rolling Stone Brought Me To Tears

By: Bobby Finstock on 08/22/05 @ 10:30 pm

Longtime readers of my blogs know my admiration… nay love of Scott Baio… Not like in a gay way, not like in a prison sort of way, but in an older brother I think he is way cool even though he isn’t sort of way. There is a threat to the Baio legend brewing in Hollywood right now… To be honest I find it rather unacceptable.

First let me show you this list:

Mandy Moore

Mandy Moore

Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson (yes she is a no talent hack that I dislike but I am proving a point)

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan (yes… pre coked out blonde hair days… I will never again post new pictures of her)

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt……

Now albeit not the most talented stable of young women they are not hard on the eyes. What if I told you one single person slept with all four of these females? Impressive… In fact men would say to other men. “This guy must be god like! It must be Brad Pitt, maybe even Colin Farrell?”

No… it is not either of these two men…

The next response might be that it is a major Hollywood power broker or an up and coming young model. Or even maybe a great athlete, like Lebron James or someone of that ilk… No… Sadly it is this man….


Wilmer Valderrama

All I have to say is ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I knew about Lindsay Lohan… I could live with it once she turned into a coked out skank. That was fine.

Ashlee Simspon… I mean who really cares about someone that can’t even sing their own music? So I was fine with that… In fact I kind of hope he gave her crabs.

Mandy Moore… I never was a big fan… Then she has been on “Entourage” on HBO, which won me over. She has an innocence about her that should not be violated by a man that PLAYS FUCKING FEZ…

I still was ok with it… I was able to maintain my cool. I mean really I don’t care about celeb gossip or bullshit like this. In fact I was finding it amusing… Until I opened this months Rolling Stone and found a “Six Degrees of Valderrama” chart… I decided to go into the supermarket and buy a magazine while my car was getting washed. Coldplay was on the cover of Rolling Stone… I figured let’s see what they have to say about Coldplay… Went back to the carwash and sat down… Sipping a bottled water and flipping through Rolling Stone I was content… Nice and relaxed…

Until I saw that chart…

At first I was amused until I saw that he slept with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I ended up spitting my water out almost hitting a five year old boy walking along the curb. Tears began to flow out of my eyes as I dropped to my knees and screamed,


The travesty of it all.

I don’t know if I am more upset at the Jennifer Love Hewitt debacle or the fact that Fez is the new Scott Baio? How can this be? Scotty Baio had charm, talent, and… he was on fucking Happy Days, Charles in Charge, and was a stud on the Battle of the Network Stars….

What shocked me even more is how big a slut Ms. Lohan is…

Rick Solomon, Colin Farrell, Christian Slater, Wilmer Valderrama, and Fred Durst…. The first two Paris Hilton slept with, would anyone with their right mind want to follow that? Then there is Christian Slater, what has he done in the last five years? Even worse Fred Durst?

The fact that any female out of their own free will choose to sleep with him makes me want to vomit…

All of this has kind of made me light headed… I think I need to lay down

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

2 Responses to “How Rolling Stone Brought Me To Tears”

  1. [...] 5) She isn’t dating Wilmer Valderrama anymore which makes me happy. I have given my reasons for why I think this guy is just evil. He is the new wave Scott Baio wannabe, but there is only ONE Baio. But he has racked up an impressive list of starlets never the less… God I hate Fez. [...]

  2. Jason says:

    Although I seriously don’t understand your love for Scott Baio of all people – I’ll leave it alone.

© 2005 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound