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That Dumb Nice Guys Finish Last Chain Mail

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/12/05 @ 8:36 am

I have seen this getting posted all over the place and well it is rather annoying. Because like most bulletins on myspace there is very little logic and a ton of bullshit, let me take the time to straighten some things out… My comments are in italics.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

(Ugh… I am already beginning to puke…)

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

(Well usually when guys are providing a shoulder to lean on they are smart enough to know that it isn’t time to get laid. Last time I checked girl crying about –insert pointless thing here- does not equal sex. Holding open doors does not make you a nice guy it just means you have class…. Waiting patiently outside the changing room means they are secretly gay. Unless it is bra and under garment shopping… No guy likes to shop, especially with a girl walking around a mall for an entire day, which is the equivalent of hell. )

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

( I don’t know any guy that puts that much thought into respecting a girls clothing style etc… We really don’t care… I guess I am a heartless bastard. Compliments make you a nice guy? Compliments are used to usually a) either calm down a girl b) a preemptive strike against the does this make me look fat question c) a way out of getting yelled at for looking at another girl d) another flirting move.)

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door,

(So yea for non date rapists…. I guess we should send a bulletin out for non date rapists appreciation day next.)

for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population,

( OH cock blockers… yeah the guy that can’t get laid and decides to ruin it for everyone else in his gender. Thanks Benedict FUCKING Arnold.)

for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway,

(Oh an enabler… if the girl is that insecure with themselves and is fishing for compliments you need to insult them and knock them off of their pedestal because it is fucking annoying when people fish for compliments…. “Look I showered today” does not mean you should throw out “Well you smell good” you should say… “I Hope you shower everyday otherwise you are a dirty bitch”)

for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters,

(To quote the great Jim Rome, “If you are not cheating you are not trying.”)

for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends,

(There is probably a reason why they don’t have girlfriends… My money is on a disgusting amount of back hair.)

for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

(Ah for the stupid…. I guess we should celebrate people with no common sense.)

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t.

( I can… girls like guys that are slightly assholeish because playing hard to get or getting treated bad is fun. Who wants a guy to answer to your every whim? What fun is that?)

From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

(Illogical… while painting a sex with a wide brush is kind of right on. Spock the most logical person in all of television history… MAN… point proven)

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.”

(This is the guys fault for letting it get to friend territory once it gets to friend territory it is incredibly hard to get it back out. You pretty much need to have drunken sex with them and then approach the subject… It really is your only recourse.)

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

( It has something to do with the fact you bleed for a week every month. Remember never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.)

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

(Yes they grow out of it but they usually have one to two kids at that point. Are stuck with their ex husbands debt and can barely support themselves…. Plus the 18 thousand pounds of baggage… Congratulations look what the nice guy won.)

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

(Get a sack… Learn to recognize train wreck girls that are nothing but trouble and learn the word no… It will go a long way.)

Repost this if you’re a nice guy
Girls Repost if you’re lookin for this/or appreciate these guys

(This isn’t about nice guys this is about complete idiots. Nice people shouldn’t be stereotyped as no back bone having pussies.)

EDIT: Trendon also went to town on this subject… I highly suggest taking a look at his blog… and reading some of his other ones… They are rather entertaining Trendon’s Blog

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

2 Responses to “That Dumb Nice Guys Finish Last Chain Mail”

  1. Rick says:

    Heh, I had similar thoughts about this letter. According to the link in my take, it’s still around and I’m sure there are plenty of morons still beating themselves up over it.


  2. ryan says:

    Fucking awsome thats so funny hahaha…. yeah ill admit i have those tendancies with this one specific girl. i never really have problems getting laid or working for women, but when it comes to her i cant seem to understand her.. she daes ass holes and has a bunch going on now she is single but wont date me right now only wants to be friends i dont know what to do. i have even taken her out on a date “as friends” had a picnic at a park it was nice gave her massage and then we went to a movie afterwards got icecream and i still cant get her to like me like that or actually date me. im really not getting a straight answer, what the hell do i do??

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