Pointlessbanter.net

My All-star Real World House

Although I haven’t really watched it that much this year I have witnessed every season to some degree. I would like to consider myself an expert on reality television with a concentration on the real world and survivor.

It was really hard to narrow this down to seven people. I mean really you could just go with pure caustic personalities. Or you could go for the total whores so it would be a giant orgy. Maybe you could go with a list of your favorite people that you think would all get along.

I have decided to go with a hodge podge of people. This combination will give us the best mix of people and it would make for the most entertaining television you could imagine.

Ok first I want to state a general rule to this. The people selected are going to be hypothetically the same age that they were on the show. For example if Eric Neiss was selected it wouldn’t be creepy mid thirties Eric struggling to hold down a steady job. It would be young suburbanite Eric… The one with a troubled past that we aren’t very sure of. (Can anyone remember what he was going to see parole officer for?)

On with the selections

Oh wait before I go on has anyone else noticed Heather B (the rapper from the original NY one) on the AOL commercial… Yeah I need a life.

The first spot goes to:

Trishelle from the Las Vegas Real World

Why: We need a catalyst in the house. Usually you need one person to stir up the sexual tension, one person to do completely stupid things to cause problems, and recently one person to be a total drunk. With Trishelle we have all three covered. A drunken, redneck, whore…. Does it get any better?

Now granted she lost all street cred by hooking up with Andy Dick on the “surreal life” but we need to look at her whole body of work.

1- A hottub drunken threesome
2- Being a total moron the entire show
3- Her pregnancy scare
4- All while saying she didn’t want her father and family to see the show because she didn’t want to disappoint them

It’s gold I tell you GOLD!

She has no logic, no book smarts, and she has a casual moral attitude…. Perfect.

Frankie from the Real World San Diego

Why: For a girl that was “too punk rock” to be on the show… We bring her in for a litany of reasons. We need a girl that is an outcast and miserable the entire time on the show. I could have taken the easy way out and played the race card… Pretty much sticking one minority with all white people, but that isn’t the way I roll. With Frankie you get a girl that will feel as though she is an outsider but is an attention whore deep down inside. Anyone that gets freaked out by “large boats”, has cystic fibrosis and smokes, and has black out drunken make out sessions automatically gets into this house.

Teck from Real World Hawaii

Why: Teck f-ing money… How can I not pick him? He was picking up strippers…

Although Teck clearly was there to whore himself out to get into the entertainment industry I have to go with him…

Teck brings a strong pimp hand to the show and also will not put up with the drama in the house. I see him hooking up with Trichelle in the first week then watching her weep the entire season whenever she gets drunk and attempts to hook up with him and is quickly rejected.

David from the Real World Seattle

Why: I am a bit conflicted on this. I mean anyone that cries in a car about how is love with a producer he met from a reality show is the best thing that ever happened to him should get in. Just pure drama waiting to happen… The only drawback is I don’t that David has the power to actually land any of the other cast memebers.

I think that he could be safe bet just because after months of no girl touching him I could see a total emotional breakdown. Come to think of it… I might have to reserve the right to change this pick later.

So at this point we have one drunken girl in Trichelle so Ruthie from the Hawaii show is really not needed. We have the annoying drama queen in Frankie, so Tonya from Chicago is not needed. We need some eye candy I think… And someone for me to hate besides Frankie….. So I am going to go with….

Jacinda from the Real World London

Before I start, has anyone taken longer in turning her Real World career into something? I mean she was in a Bridget Jones movie and Ladder 49 like 50 years after the show aired.
What was she doing in that period of time? Furthermore does anyone really care?

Why: She fills the eye candy roll well. Plus she has like zero ambition and motivation making her the one person that will just hang around the house all the time stirring shit. In the past she has shown sides of her personality that make her rather vapid. She has bad taste in men and I think she is one of the most annoying people ever to be on the show. Perfect for this house.

Two more left to go… I am going to have to go with a person from each sex.

Cyrus from the Real World Boston

Why: This is rather simple

1) Teck needs a running buddy
2) Cyrus was the first to use the Real World cameras to lure girls back to the house
3) We need an alpha male
4) Plus Cyrus can upset black girls even more by bringing home white chicks.

For these reasons I believe that Cyrus is a solid pick.

Finally we get to the last pick. Now I think there a number of ways to go with this. Clearly you want to allow for maximum hook up potential so I don’t want to waste this spot on a person that well… plays for the opposite team. Between Cyrus and Teck I think we have the guys getting laid handled. We don’t really need any more drama queens… So we need to fill this slot with someone that you never hear about. The one person that passes under the radar every season…. And there is always one person…

Irene from the Real World Los Angeles

Why: Because if you totaled up her entire air time she was on the show maybe ten minutes. With everyone else running about we need someone to just not be around. Irene fills that roll perfectly. Plus by having someone totally uninteresting it gives us more time to concentrate on the other 6 people….