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The Great TV Debate Is Over

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/20/04 @ 11:27 pm

The Great TV Debate is over. Ok after I posted that I thought that “The Cosby Show” was the most unrealistic sitcom ever I had a couple of people debate me on that.

So I decided to rank the top five most unrealistic sitcoms ever.

So here are the rules though. Shows that could just never happen… Like “Small Wonder”, “Alf”, “Mork and Mindy”, and “The Munsters” are just disqualified from this argument. As well as cartoons…

And I am going to disqualify “Gilligan’s Island” just because I want to. I mean really do I even have to touch upon the professors inventions? Or the fact that they were always clean? Or the fact that Mary Ann or Ginger were not pregnant after the first year, because let’s face it someone would have had to sleep with them.

Also all shows that were on the TGIF ABC Lineup are removed from consideration because I think Bob Sagat is the Anti-christ. It can’t be confirmed, nor do I have proof but he was on the two most annoying television shows EVER… “Full House” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. No his appearance in “Half Baked” did not redeem him…

So here are my rankings of the top five most unrealistic sitcoms ever.

1) The Cosby Show- I already outlined my reasoning in my previous blog. It is just impossible for Claire to finish her law degree. It wasn’t logically possible. With today’s online learning technology maybe, the loopholes in their history are too great for me to overcome.

Redeeming quality about the show- The monopoly money episode where Cliff was explaining why Theo should go to college. Plus the Lisa Bonet stage after she was in “Wild Orchid” and she was sleeping with Lenny Kravitz. It was like they weren’t 100 ure what to do with her. I can only imagine the discomfort on the set after everyone there had seen her naked in “Wild Orchid” Good times.

2) Cheers- Sam Malone a former crappy pitcher for the Soxs opens a bar and hilarity ensues. Not so fast. Ok let me recreate what would have been the first day that Sam Malone opened “Cheers”.

(Two Irish looking guys with Boston Red Soxs hats come into the bar. They look like they have had a hard day of manual labor, possibly construction workers.)

Sam- (putting coasters in front of them) Welcome to Cheers boys what can I get you?

Construction worker 1 aka Mickey- (in a thick south Boston accent) Two Guinness please

Construction worker 2 aka Pauly: Hey wait a minute aren’t you Sammy Malone? You used to pitch for the soxs.

Sam: Why yes I am. Let me get that order for you.

Mickey: That is a wicked pissah. (I had to get that in there.)

Pauly: Sam Malone was one of the worst pitchers in Boston history.

Mickey: Remember that game against the yanks in 79 where he blew a three run lead?

Pauly: That would have put us over the top in the division.

(Sam is at the other end of the bar picking up on a hot blonde wearing a Yankees t-shirt. Pauly and Mickey look down at the end of the bar and then at each other.)

Pauly: That bastard.

(Sam comes down to their end of the bar. He places the two pints of Guinness in front of them.)

Same: There you boys go. Want me to run a tab for you?

Pauly: That won’t be necessary.

(Mickey grabs one of the pints and bashes it against Sam’s head. Blood starts gushing out of his head as he falls to the floor. Mickey and Pauly jump the bar and start going to work on Sam. Kicking his body over and over, until the door opens and Norm walks in.)

Norm: What the hell is going on?

Mickey: This guy Sam Malone used to pitch for the Soxs….

Norm: I know who that bastard is.

(Norm lumbers onto a bar stool and then finally onto the bar. He jumps off the bar onto Sam Malone. The sound of cracked bones is heard… The scene fades out.)

Ok there is no way that a crappy ass former pitcher would be able to run a bar without a biter soxs fan snapping and killing him. I just don’t see it.

3) Charles in Charge- I don’t even remember the name of Nicole Eggerts character in the show but Charles would have been sleeping with her within two months or at least one of her friends.

a. First of all he is Scott Fucking Baio… I mean would any chick be able to resist his manly charm? Nope. His name maybe Charles and yeah it is a character but it is Scott Fucking Baio… Would could resist this? His pimp hand is way strong.

Scott Baio

b. He is a college student working there and going to school full time. It is like the Florence Nightingale syndrome well not really but whatever. He is there all the time something had to give.

4) Friends- This is rather simple.

a. Monica is a chef. Rachel is a waitress at a coffee shop…

b. They live in an apartment that would easily be 5000 a month in rent. You think property value in California is out of whack try getting an apartment in Manhattan. Rent controlled my ass.

c. How could Phoebe afford to live anywhere? Or Joey? Seriously they weren’t getting enough acting or singing gigs to cover their expenses.

5) My Two Dads- Yeah two guys sharing responsibility for a kid that may or not be theirs. No really I do see it happening. Wait let me amend that first sentence. Two single guys living in New York sharing responsibility for a kid that may or not be theirs. Are you fucking kidding me? They would both be running so fast to the doctors for a paternity test that they would leave burnout marks from where they were standing. Plus there was no way the artist guy was heterosexual. The kitschy half car couch… Come on now.

I have entirely way to much time to think about this shit… wow….

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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