(Parade Magazine is the little crappy magazine you get with your sunday paper. It is the biggest waste of paper ever. The question and answer segment is the worst thing I have ever read. I have decided to answer the questions so the readers get an actual answer.)
Q. How come American film critics and fans didn’t warm up to Tom Cruise as a hero in The Last Samurai but loved him as a hit man in Collateral?
-Richard Pierce, Upper Montclair, N.J.
A. Well Rich, I am guessing I can call you Rich right? Did you watch the Last Samurai? It was an ok film, it reminded me of something I have seen before. Oh yeah the movie was released before it was called Dancing with Wolves. I think critics and fans no more about movies then you do Richard, it’s ok for Tom to be a bad guy. Really it is ok.
Q. I loved Marlee Matlin, the deaf actress, in What the Bleep Do We Know? Does she really have body-image concerns like her character in that film?
-R.M., Santa Monica, Calif.
A. I asked her but I couldn’t understand the answer. (I am going to hell for that one.)
Q. Don’t you think it’s sweet how Britney Spears is taking a maternal interest in fiancÃ© Kevin Federline’s daughter?
-Mandi Brown, Reno, Nev.
A. Here is our Paris/Britney/Christina question of the week. Thanks for getting it in I was worried about it. Yeah it’s great the home wrecking whore is taking an interest in the guys daughter for a photo op. She is a quality person.
Q. I thought Tim McGraw wrote his hit song “Live Like You Were Dying” in memory of his late dad, pitcher Tug McGraw. But the CD lists other credits. Why?
-W.C., Taos, N.M.
A. Well it is simple really. Country musicians are untalented fucks that don’t write their own music. So it was a touching song really probably written for and about someone else. And the fact that you don’t know how writing credits work on CD’s is really depressing.
Q. We’ve seen a lot of Teresa Heinz Kerry’s sons Chris and Andre. But why has her oldest son, John Heinz IV, been invisible on the campaign trail?
-Nadine Squire, Miami, Fla.
A. Why do candidates have to parade their kids out for the media? Does it make them any stronger of a candidate? Does it show how they can lead? Is it any of our business? No, Nadine maybe you should pay attention to the issues and make an informed choice. Just my advice.
Q. What’s become of Jean Simmons, the English actress who played Ophelia in the 1948 film classic Hamlet?
-Julia B., Claymont, Del.
A. Here is the where are they know portion of the questions that are included every week. She is dead. Actually she died and was reincarnated as GENE Simmons, he has been spitting fire and blood for years.
Q. I see Hilarie Burton on WB’s One Tree Hill and MTV’s Total Request Live. What’s next for her? And any serious romances?
-Karen Sampson, Harrisonburg, Va.
A. Karen your lesbian fantasies are going to be crushed here. She is dating Carson Daily or Scott Baio… Next for her is porn or Girls Gone Wild.
Q. James Caviezel’s mix of sincerity and strength in The Passion of the Christ makes him a natural to play Superman. Has he been approached for the role?
-T.R., Washington, D.C.
A. … Well yeah Jesus and Superman are the same, they never existed so I guess he is a natural. I don’t see superman weighting a buck fifty with an unnaturally small head but whatever. Since Chris Reeve isn’t available I am going to nominate Ashton Kutcher for Superman. Hear me out here. There is a thing called the Superman curse. Whomever plays Superman usually has bad things happen to him. Chris Reever gets paralyzed, the tv one got shot, and Dean Cain can’t get a job. So if Ashton gets it well either death or no work, I would take either of the two.