You know that dumbass Parade Magazine that comes with the newspaper on Sunday’s? I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger waste of paper in my life. The one thing that drives me crazy is the totally pointless question and answer section on the opening page. I have decided to really help these people out and answer the questions weekly for them on my own.
Q. I have a bet going. I say Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are married. My friend says she’s just his girlfriend. Who’s right?
-Heather J., Lake Mathews, Calif.
A: Well Heather I hate to tell you this put Johnny Depp the guy that you continually fantasize about and the subject of this life changing debate is married. Well actually to be honest I really don’t know and I don’t care because you know what? It’s none of our fucking business. You need to get a life and stop reading people magazine.
Q. Bob Barker, host of The Price Is Right, often promotes cat and dog adoption. How many pets does he have?
-Suzanne Douglas, Manalapan, N.J.
A: Suzanne are we counting Barker’s Beauties in this count as well? HA HA I kid. No those ex-playmates and future sex kittens of Barker’s don’t count as pets, pets have intelligence. When we asked Bob about how many pets he had all he talked about was a trouser snake. I hope that answers your question.
Q. You’re always knocking Madonna. So how do you explain the huge success of her Re-invention Tour?
-Brad Janeway, Raleigh, N.C.
A: Well Brad it’s nice to see our gay readers checking in because they are the only people that consider Madonna relevant anymore. I contribute the success of her tour to people in their late thirties and early forties trying desperately to hang onto their youth. I guess kind of like the fans at a Rolling Stones concert but ten years older.
Q. If Liz Taylor’s marriage to hotel heir Nicky Hilton in 1950 had lasted, how would she be related to Paris Hilton?
-Gaitha Shannon, Ruskin, Fla.
A: A week can’t go by where we don’t include a question about Paris, Britney, or X-tina or whatever the hell she is known as now. The answer to your question is this. NO ONE SHOULD CARE ABOUT PARIS HILTON! She is known for being a drunk slut. Okay a disgustingly rich drunk slut. And she isn’t even all that good looking her head looks like one of those pictures of aliens that people draw after they were abducted.