"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."

Sep
15

Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/15/04 @ 8:37 pm

You know that dumbass Parade Magazine that comes with the newspaper on Sunday’s? I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger waste of paper in my life. The one thing that drives me crazy is the totally pointless question and answer section on the opening page. I have decided to really help these people out and answer the questions weekly for them on my own.

Q. I have a bet going. I say Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are married. My friend says she’s just his girlfriend. Who’s right?
-Heather J., Lake Mathews, Calif.

A: Well Heather I hate to tell you this put Johnny Depp the guy that you continually fantasize about and the subject of this life changing debate is married. Well actually to be honest I really don’t know and I don’t care because you know what? It’s none of our fucking business. You need to get a life and stop reading people magazine.

Q. Bob Barker, host of The Price Is Right, often promotes cat and dog adoption. How many pets does he have?
-Suzanne Douglas, Manalapan, N.J.

A: Suzanne are we counting Barker’s Beauties in this count as well? HA HA I kid. No those ex-playmates and future sex kittens of Barker’s don’t count as pets, pets have intelligence. When we asked Bob about how many pets he had all he talked about was a trouser snake. I hope that answers your question.

Q. You’re always knocking Madonna. So how do you explain the huge success of her Re-invention Tour?
-Brad Janeway, Raleigh, N.C.

A: Well Brad it’s nice to see our gay readers checking in because they are the only people that consider Madonna relevant anymore. I contribute the success of her tour to people in their late thirties and early forties trying desperately to hang onto their youth. I guess kind of like the fans at a Rolling Stones concert but ten years older.

Q. If Liz Taylor’s marriage to hotel heir Nicky Hilton in 1950 had lasted, how would she be related to Paris Hilton?
-Gaitha Shannon, Ruskin, Fla.

A: A week can’t go by where we don’t include a question about Paris, Britney, or X-tina or whatever the hell she is known as now. The answer to your question is this. NO ONE SHOULD CARE ABOUT PARIS HILTON! She is known for being a drunk slut. Okay a disgustingly rich drunk slut. And she isn’t even all that good looking her head looks like one of those pictures of aliens that people draw after they were abducted.

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

3 Responses to “Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered”

  1. Sobretta Franjipan says:

    The Rolling Stones’ fans would be 10 years older than the Madonna fans. Both fan groups are frightening.

  2. Sobretta Franjipan says:

    The Rolling Stones’ fans would be 10 years older than the Madonna fans. Both fan groups are frightening.

    I’ve always hated that insipid Parade. Unbelievably softball “interview” questions with various “celebrities” (why does Andy Rooney come to mind?).

  3. Sobretta Franjipan says:

    The Rolling Stones’ fans would be 10 years older than the Madonna fans. Both fan groups are frightening.

    I’ve always hated that insipid Parade. Unbelievably softball “interview” questions with various “celebrities” (why does Andy Rooney come to mind?).

    Guilty confession: I’ve become obsessed with Scott Baio as well. Damn.

© 2004 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound