You know that dumbass Parade Magazine that comes with the newspaper on Sunday’s? I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger waste of paper in my life. The one thing that drives me crazy is the totally pointless question and answer section on the opening page. I have decided to really help these people out and answer the questions weekly for them on my own.
Q. I have a bet going. I say Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are married. My friend says she’s just his girlfriend. Who’s right?
—Heather J., Lake Mathews, Calif.
A: Well Heather I hate to tell you this put Johnny Depp the guy that you continually fantasize about and the subject of this life changing debate is married. Well actually to be honest I really don’t know and I don’t care because you know what? It’s none of our fucking business. You need to get a life and stop reading people magazine.
Q. Bob Barker, host of The Price Is Right, often promotes cat and dog adoption. How many pets does he have?
—Suzanne Douglas, Manalapan, N.J.
A: Suzanne are we counting Barker’s Beauties in this count as well? HA HA I kid. No those ex-playmates and future sex kittens of Barker’s don’t count as pets, pets have intelligence. When we asked Bob about how many pets he had all he talked about was a trouser snake. I hope that answers your question.
Q. You’re always knocking Madonna. So how do you explain the huge success of her Re-invention Tour?
—Brad Janeway, Raleigh, N.C.
A: Well Brad it’s nice to see our gay readers checking in because they are the only people that consider Madonna relevant anymore. I contribute the success of her tour to people in their late thirties and early forties trying desperately to hang onto their youth. I guess kind of like the fans at a Rolling Stones concert but ten years older.
Q. If Liz Taylor’s marriage to hotel heir Nicky Hilton in 1950 had lasted, how would she be related to Paris Hilton?
—Gaitha Shannon, Ruskin, Fla.
A: A week can’t go by where we don’t include a question about Paris, Britney, or X-tina or whatever the hell she is known as now. The answer to your question is this. NO ONE SHOULD CARE ABOUT PARIS HILTON! She is known for being a drunk slut. Okay a disgustingly rich drunk slut. And she isn’t even all that good looking her head looks like one of those pictures of aliens that people draw after they were abducted.
I write about the stuff we all think but don't like to talk about.
