So last night I was trying to think about what I was going to write about today and I threw up a post on twitter asking for some suggestions. Steve said that he wanted to hear a gambling story. I have a lot of them but really have never written about them. Of course just like stories about fighting or sex the best gambling stories are filled with failure and embarrassment.
A few years back I went to Las Vegas with my then girlfriend or girl that I refused to call my girlfriend yet had sex with multiple times a week and slept over at her house almost every other day. This was my first real trip to Vegas where I was going to rip it up. I was going to drink heavily, I was going to carouse, and I was going to really experience Vegas. So when we arrived in the early afternoon on Friday we went directly to a bar and started drinking.
That evening we were going to see the Black Crowes at the Hard Rock Hotel and I decided to drink through dinner so we would be primed at ready to go. While at the show my lovely companion continued to feed me a steady diet of captain and cokes. The show was excellent and might have been one of the best shows I have ever seen; a good time was had by all.
As we exited the concert venue at the Hard Rock I made a beeline for the blackjack tables. At this point in the evening I could barely speak but blackjack sounded like a good idea.
Now in my head this is how I thought things went:
I am really social when I am drunk and playing blackjack. I want everyone at the table to get rolling. So I start fist pounding everyone and calling it the “fun and good times” table. We were cheering for each other and some people were winning money. (Of course I wasn’t.) Every time the waitress came around I ordered a drink and pounded it down, showing off how much of a stud I was. While I didn’t win money (I lost over $600 bucks in that one sitting) we still had fun and I was a source of entertainment for everyone at our table.
In reality this is probably what really happened:
When I am drunk and playing blackjack I am loud and annoying. While I think I want everyone at the table to feel the mojo and get rolling I really am distracting them from playing and ruining their time. Because of this I am end up costing myself money and everyone else at the table. The hotel kept feeding me drinks because I was hammered and gambling. Everyone at the table pretty much wanted me to walk away to salvage some dignity.
I prefer to remember things in the first version.
To top things off I drank so much that I couldn’t really drink rest of the weekend because I was hung over for three days. Plus on my way out of the hotel that night I:
-Attempted to grab the ass of a cocktail waitress in front of my girlfriend and missing, just grabbing air.
-Fell while getting into the cab.
Well done Kevin… Well done.
You’re so money and you don’t even know it…. Indeed.
Have you ever ruined a trip by your drunken antics?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
(I did return there this fall and won back some of the money I lost to them… I will get all of the money I spent back before I die. Bastards.)
When she returns to your side this is when you suggest leaving for a tittybar down the street, which she’ll be fine with because she’s still horny and always been a bit of a closest lesbo. Besides, it’ll give you a chance to use that fake ID she got you. Once at the bar you tempt her with fuzzy navels and margaritas but she’s too distracted by the thought of “does it really feel like carpet?”. So you slip a stripper twenty bucks to go all Salma Hayek in From Dusk Til Dawn on her and pour that shit down her leg and into your mom’s mouth. Now that she’s officially off the wagon, the two of you will go on a binge of alcohol and taint sweat culminating in an incestual mother/daughter striptease (which is what will later be on YouTube). Now go home and flop her down in her bed and pretend it never happened.
I write about the stuff we all think but don't like to talk about.
